Envy Makes Me Tired

How many times have I said “I’m sorry” to God. I continually ask him to fashion for me a contrite and pure heart as the feeling of jealously or envy arises. This is because I have thoughts that are not of God that are buried within me like the bottom of an iceberg floating in the sea. They come up every once in a while.

And, I ask myself—why am I thinking this?

I can sense the emotion and ultimately the actions that are not good coming from these often unconscious, under-the-water thoughts, but I don’t like it. So, I pray for a bit of a car wash inside and out of this tender heart of mine.

We can have strongholds within us that hold us back from our dreams. They probably were formed in childhood through the culture and they usually are founded on scarcity and lack. I see this in most of the women I coach. It is a prevailing thought of “I am not enough.” This leads to thoughts of not having enough, not being enough, and actions of self-reliance and white knuckling to get whatever enough is.

This never works—it’s exhausting, zapping our energy and trust in God.

Because enough never comes.

God is the only enough.

I am working with him on tearing down this stronghold of envy within me. This stronghold is from the evil one and creates in me unrest so I overeat, overdrink, overwork, hustle, mistrust, entertain thoughts of scarcity and lack, and show up unkind.

Envy is a sign of an impure heart and one that is not contrite that returns again and again as if to say “sorry—not sorry.”

I am sorry. And, day by day, that stronghold is loosening. Praise God.

The Sacraments are key and help me grow closer to God to soften and purify this heart of mine. The iceberg is slowly melting.

Frequent Confession followed by Mass is my ticket to this heart project I’m working on with God.

You can do this, too. At Mass when you pray the Penitential Act 1, ask the Lord to take captive the thoughts of jealousy or envy within you and replace them with love, devotion, and happiness for others:

“I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore, I ask blessed Mary Ever-Virgin, all the Angels and Saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

If you pray it, He will do it.

This powerful prayer at the beginning of Mass teaches true repentance. This is an optional prayer at daily Mass so take the time to just pray it yourself. God will form in you a softened and cleaned heart.

He will become your enough. And, you can finally rest.

There is joy in this space of stopping the envy—more joy than you can imagine.